My graduate professor at Southern Methodist University, Robert Barner, Ph.D and his wife Charlotte Barner, Ed.D wrote this amazing instrument that I use all the time with my clients. 

This is not a plug and this is not a biased opinion - this book (and it's pretty thick) is basically the Bible for Building Better Teams. No joke!  

 On a more personal blog post.... 

​Full disclosure – I absolutely hate social media. For years I have resisted entering the world of social media. I believe it’s a waste of time and I can count of a million other things I could be doing instead of scrolling through a feed like a parasite.
 
It had a purpose
In 2005 I created a Facebook account and during college I think it served its purpose. It was a fun and an innovative way to interact with all the new relationships I built throughout those four years. After college I recall Facebook becoming really damaging… not just for myself, but those around me. It seemed like it was a dependable way to catch cheaters and inauthentic people in the act (I almost felt like a secret agent sometimes), and I’ve lost count of how many people post things about their so-called lives – when their reality is nowhere near what they claim it to be. #FAKERS. In fact, I started noticing myself participating in this virtual world that wasn’t necessarily real for me either.
 

What is Conflict Management?
Conflict Management is a fancy word consultants use to give meaning to your drama in the office. We don’t live in a utopian society; therefore conflict will always exist, especially at work. Most of us spend more time running around the office surrounded by dozens of personalities. It’s inevitable conflict will arise in the office, but what do you do about it? How do you handle it?
Conflicts appear in different forms. A lot of the time we’re trying to manage our self-awareness and biases. When someone doesn’t believe the same thing YOU believe, we go into defense mode or create a resistance towards that person. When working in a team environment, this type of “internal” conflict will damage the team dynamics if not resolved. The team will eventually dismantle and no one will know why, or like most instances, point fingers. 

​Before diving into resolving conflict, you must take the baby steps. First, you need to learn about YOUR style for handling conflict.
 
Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument is the guru assessment for figuring out your most natural method to manage conflict. The assessment gives you insight into your style of conflict resolution and the best uses for each style. There is no “right” style, but there’s a time and a place to use each style productively and efficiently.
 
Assertiveness vs. Cooperativeness:
Take a moment and consider the disagreements and misunderstandings that have occurred at work. What actions, procedures and processes were taken to resolve the problem? What about the situation was comfortable to you? What was uncomfortable? Do you think your actions were leaning towards Assertiveness or Cooperativeness?
 
Your conflict engagement (or lack of engagement) is divided into two opposing sides. Assertiveness and Cooperativeness; depending on where you land on that scale, you will be able to gain a better understanding of your style and approach to conflict.  

​How to Manage Conflict in the workplace: After completing your baby steps to learn more about YOUR style, let’s practice.
 
Depending on your “go to” method of managing conflict will influence your management style. Learning more about each style will increase your awareness and ability to change your style based on the relationship and issue at stake. Most of us have a style we feel most comfortable using, so when a conflict arises, we will immediately lean into that one style. This could cause damages on so many levels if the situation does not call for that style. 
 

1. Get a grip! Begin to practice self-awareness and self-management.

• How are you feeling in the conflict? Pay attention to those feelings and emotions.
• Ask yourself: Why? Why are you feeling this way?
• Pay attention to your triggers and find space to be mindful of what you’re feeling. It’s not wrong to feel that way, but you must understand where it’s coming from – in order to gain awareness of the situation.

​2. Listen to understand, not to answer or respond.

• If you cannot reflect back the other party’s argument without any biases, you do not fully understand their argument.
• Listen, listen and then listen some more. 

3. Ask open-ended questions.

• Do not ask yes/no questions, ask questions that will give you greater insight.
• Open-ended questions give you an understanding of their framework. 
• Understand to respect and acknowledge their perspective. 

4. Establish clarity.

• Steps 1 – 4 will give you much more clarity as to how the other party is feeling, the situation, and what the “real” conflict is. (There might be a hidden conflict buried deep.) 
• If you and the other party feel there’s more clarity, creative brainstorming will organically occur.  Collaborative work is always a win-win.
• If clarity is not established, continue to ask open-ended questions.

5. Gain commitment.

• Through creative brainstorming and collaborative work, get commitment from both sides on how to move forward when similar conflicts arise.
• Establish expectations and a NEW course of actions for the future.
• Create a go-to game plan for the next "drama!" 

 
 
-VP 

Before we decide to make a change, most of us sit in the very comfortable, reassuring and supportive phase called – DENIAL. For a hot minute we begin to consider our options, with options comes that queasy, uncomfortable sense of, “hell no!” But, WHY??? Why is it so comfortable? 
​
​Leaning on the reasons why NOT to change begins to bring the comfort back. It releases the tension and our state of mind comes back to normal. It is a defense mechanism many of us have become quite good at.  
 
So here we are, living in denial – where it’s tranquil and straightforward.  Our minds are at ease and we are suddenly in a state of calm. It feels safe. Therefore, becoming addicted to the denial phase is easy. It is addicting to turn the other way and say, “maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe next year… just not now”. It’s easy for most of us to sit in denial, creating poor and addicting habits of self-deprivation.
 
Sounds depressing? Well it is. 

​By withholding ourselves to be accountable for our truths and actions, we leave little room to create and achieve success.  It become apparent we have created a commonplace for denial and rather than allowing ourselves to be aware and conscious of our denial, we chalk it up to one-hundred millions reason why NOT to change… because it’s easier. As a society, I believe we’ve become addicted to denying the need for change. In fact, I will so boldly say – we are all talk with little walk!
 
It is easier to live in a space we feel comfortable, but most importantly where no one can harm us. It is natural for us to resist fear, because it’s scary. Change is scary because we do not know the end of the story. What happens on the other side of change? 

Change is scary for many reasons, but mostly it is the fear of the unknown. When we decide to make a change, we are not sure where it is going to lead us. We have an idea of where it might take us, but nothing is ever certain. We can plan and plan and plan and plan, but it is almost certain nothing ever goes as planned. Right? What if there were simple practices to becoming comfortable with change? Practice does not make perfect, because no one is perfect. Practice takes time and commitment. With practice, time, commitment and most importantly bravery, comes an easier, more effective way to change. ​

Fear of the unknown, failing, mistakes, embarrassment, self-doubt, decisions, decisions, and more decisions. ​

​Coaching has been around since the dark ages, and even before modern times, there has always been a form of coaching that’s occurred. When you hear the word “coach”, some of you might think of athletic coaches, and those of us who have had coaches know they held us accountable, supported us and trained us to expect the unexpected. They pushed us through times of struggle and forced us to step into sometimes very uncomfortable situations that required us to enhance and effectively utilize our leadership skills.
 
In fact, for many of us these types of motivators were our first athletic coaches in grade school. Although athletic coaches are not Executive Coaches, many of their influences are the same. They both require you to be uber-self-aware of yourself and others, and they both ask you to step-up and play at your highest potential possible.  
 
It wasn’t until the 80s that “Executive Coaching” became more prominent amongst big business. Executive Coaching is a well-regarded form of coaching. It consists of three key players, the Coach, Coachee and the Client. Executive Coaches are trained in three forms of coaching, Developmental, Transitional and Performance. In an article by the Harvard Business Review published in 2014, it was stated that, “Many of the world’s most admired corporations, from GE to Goldman Sachs, invest in coaching. Annual spending on coaching in the United States is estimated at roughly $1 billion”.  With that being said, Coaching has come a long way since the 80s. Many coaches across the world describe themselves as health and wellness coaches, life coaches, career coaches, business coaches and the lists go on.  As an avid student of human development in the workplace, I will focus on a type of coaching many people won’t admit they need.
 
Conflict Coaching
 
While completing a Masters of Arts from Southern Methodist University, I took a course titled, Conflict Coaching offered by Pattie Porter, the Texas Conflict Coach. The class was based the Cinergy Coaching Model. The model is a very specific coaching framework created by Cinnie Noble of Canada. The tool is effectively used “before conflict arises (when it is anticipated), while going through a dispute, or after a conflict when resilience may be low and residual negativity lingers”.
 
Currently, certified Coaches use the Cinergy Model worldwide. Cinergy has been providing one-on-one coaching since 1999, and the framework provides the Coachee (clients) with:

• improving the way they engage in conflict;
• managing a dispute before it escalates unnecessarily;
• resolving a dispute that has already occurred; and
• preparing to handle a conversation or situation that is anticipated to be contentious

 
Conflict and the Need for Conflict Coaching
 
You must remember conflict is and will be around until the end of time. Whether we’d like to admit it or not, we are constantly faced with conflict. With conflict comes an assortment of emotions, feelings and sometimes-physical anguish. Conflict is here to stay, however it’s the way you handle conflict that will make a difference.
 
Every morning we wake-up with a choices. We are constantly being tasked to quickly delegate, deliberate and act-on situations at work. Choices and conflict surround us.

Examples of Conflict at work: 

• Having a difficult conversation with your boss about expectations. 
• Having a difficult conversation about deadlines. 
• Having a DIFFICULT CONVERSATION.
• Responding to an email with precision, honesty and integrity (when you’d much rather go on a rant).
• Collaborating with lazy team members.
• Email confusion. 
• Colleagues with high and low emotions.

 
Who benefits from Conflict Coaching?
Anyone who wants to improve the way they handle conflict. Family conflict, workplace conflict, conflicts with neighbors, friends, relationships, etc.
 
How long does Coaching take?
It all depends on you. How much time and effort are YOU willing to put forth? Are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to set yourself apart from the rest and develop these particular leadership capabilities? When you decide to commit yourself to a coach, you are committing your time and endurance. For some people it takes 6 months and others it might take 12 months. It all depends on how bold you’re willing to try new behaviors and approaches to conflict. The more practice, the more you become comfortable with your newly discovered skills.    
 
For for information on Conflict Coaching and the Cinergy Model - check out their site. www.cinergycoaching.com 

For a deeper dive into Executive Coaching, The Harvard Business Review wrote a fantastic article in 2014 titled, The Wild West of Executive Coaching.

You can also follow Patti Porter on Twitter @txconflictcoach or listen to the Texas Conflict Coach on her podcast.
 
For information on conflict courses and coaching, check out Southern Methodist University' program in Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management.
 
Or just shoot me an email and let’s chat… 
-VP

If you were to google the top ten Divas of all time, a list of musically inclined Divas will appear. Cher, Mariah, Madonna, Barbra, Aretha and Diana are to name a few… All these women set the tone for their generation. They took their talent to another level, and without uncertainty they influenced millions, inspired others and with that, the bar was set for future generations of artists. ​

 Like Michael Scott, he too wanted to influence, inspire and set the bar for his office colleagues. In fact, I think it’s accurate to give Michael Scott the title, Office Diva. Throughout the entire series of The Office, Michael Scott, although very corky and mostly inappropriate, there was truth, passion, influence and inspiration. All he ever wanted was for his people to be great. He enthusiastically tried to influence his office to become better versions of themselves, and he never gave up.

Divas are not created, they are not born that way, they were influenced by other and strategically developed, and in many cases continually developing. When Wayne Gretzky was famously quoted, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”, I think of these women and of course Michael Scott. They DID NOT hold back, they TOOK THEIR SHOT, and changed the way we think of influence and inspiration. 

Not only were all these Divas able to influence the musical world with their passion, they influenced people to speak and be their truth. So, no, I’m not a “music” Diva, but I’m a Change Diva. My goal is to influence and inspire the people I meet both professionally and personally.  I always ask my clients to dig deep and find their inner Diva.
 
YOU have a “change” Diva inside of you, in fact, everyone does, but what does it take to release it? What challenges have you been facing that keep your soul’s purpose from being released? 

We all have the ability to influence, to inspire and to set the bar. According to the US Department of Labor we spend close to 9 hours on the weekdays working, and in those 9 hours how much of your time is spent influencing and inspiring your colleagues, department or organization? We spend more time at work than at home.

• Are you unleashing your inner diva?
• Are you inspiring others to be great?
• Are you inviting others to the change table?

If the answer is no, it's time to tap on that Diva and release that b*tch! 

Let’s talk about Change for a bit…
 We are constantly changing, whether we recognize it or not. It’s happening to us and around us. Infants to children, adults to senior citizens and everything else in between. That's a lot of change happening through aging alone, and we can't forget about our surroundings - those are constantly changing too. Our educational development, relationships, marriage, children; everything we experience are constant growth episodes. With change come struggles and decisions... and of course the inner Diva! 
 
My goal is to make change seem natural. Normalcy doesn’t seem too drastic when we put it in those terms, right? I want you to feel like change is normal and easy. I want you to truly believe change will be easy to accomplish at work and in your personal life. Think of yourself of the Aretha Franklin of change in the office. R-E-S-P-E-C-T! 

​So, when you’re calling on your inner Change Diva, always remember Aretha, respect those around you, and always respect yourself.

​-VP